Ah, tis December. There’s definitely something thick in the air this time of year. Your olfactory might be catching the taut and hissy winds blowing from the vents of your departing flight. Maybe it’s the cool, crisp bouquet of an East Asian temperate garden. Or perhaps – if you’re more of a tropical traveller – it’s the earthy beach pong and the buttery sunscreen silking on your shoulders.
Yes, it’s the most wanderlust-y time of the year. Families are raring to fly, sail or drive away to some place where they will spend quality time and mucho money (preferably in a currency mucho weaker than the mighty SGD). We love to travel because we want our children to see the world and explore new places. We want them to experience exciting and diverse cultures so different from our own. We want them to develop an expansive worldview that can only be fueled by such itinerant exposure.
Which is why staycations are such a big hit with us, right?
Singapore families love their staycations. The travel restrictions of the Covid years compressed 24 months of stunted wanderlust into a vengeful desire for anything that looks remotely like a vacation. Enter Singapore’s unoccupied hotel rooms, empty infinity pools, and all-you-can-eat breakfast buffets. Before anyone could ask, “same meh?”, the art of the staycation cemented its place in our national zeitgeist – right up there with queueing, eating and complaining (usually in that order).
But deep down in our restless hearts, we know that staycations are a beautiful lie that we happily choose to believe. And it’s not the only falsehood we willingly subscribe to either. Here are five other family vacation half-truths we buy into fully, again and again.
#1 The airplane window seat is a teachable moment in geography
Your kids love the window seat in an airplane… for all of eight minutes until the inflight-entertainment system boots up. But we, too, love it when our children look out the window with such a child-like sense of wonder.
We imagine that they are quietly aspiring to be Singapore’s first astronaut, or maybe they are contemplating the science behind the miracle of aviation, or they could be, at the very least, trying to sort the cirrus clouds from the cumulus nimbus.
But those fluffy NatGeo dreams evaporate quickly, even before the Disney marathon begins. This is because at some point they will quiz us in earnest about the geography below as our flight takes off: “Daddy, is that still Singapore? Or is it Malaysia?”
Of course, most of us geospatial nincompoops haven’t a clue. But if years of child-rearing has taught us anything, it is the wily art of equivocation. So when our Geography is challenged thus, I have learnt to reply confidently: “It’s Pedra Branca,” the tiny island rock hotly claimed by both countries. That way, we’re never really wrong.
#2 The hotel infinity pool is a calming oasis
Browse the brochure of any hotel’s infinity pool and you will invariably see this photograph: A slender, bikini-ed woman with her back facing us, staring out beyond the edge of said pool, sometimes featuring the calming cameo of a fancy alcoholic beverage. It’s a picture of utter and complete relaxation.
It is also a lie.
For one thing, you can’t see her face, so there’s no way to ascertain that she is indeed having a good time. What you also cannot see are the 40-or-so rambunctious kids splashing about in the pool around her. There’s also a good chance that this woman is looking away in an attempt to disguise the fact that she is the parent to one of these un-pictured children, as her young child prepares to perform a precarious cannonball from the pool bar.
The only thing endless about hotel infinity pools during a family vacation? The embarrassment.
#3 The hotel’s breakfast buffet is fit for kings
The beloved breakfast buffet is many things (I mean that literally). It is a gluttonous promise of variety, a hallmark of a classy hotel, and the reason why you should always pack drawstring pants for your vacation.
It is, also, better in theory.
You wake up each morning with hopeful visions of cured pancetta, smoked salmon and a smorgasbord of artisanal breads. But what greets you at the rowdy restaurant are trays of carcinogenic bacon, lukewarm fried rice and an elbow jostling contest right out of the Hunger Games (I also mean that literally).
Meanwhile, your child returns triumphantly with a breakfast selection comprising what he believes are the four major food groups: waffles, pancakes, croissants and chocolate soft-serve. It’s their fantasy breakfast, and one that they will glady eat every single vacay-day.
You, on the other hand, are squirming by Day #2 because you really can’t stomach yet another egg-station omelette. But you refuse to yield because you’ve paid good money for it and better heartburn than to burn a hole in the pocket of your drawstring pants.
#4 Road trips are so much fun
Singapore drivers are the worst. On the roads, we are entitled, angry, and morally opposed to indicating our intention to turn or switch lanes. We blame our belligerence on the fact that our highways are too crowded and all the other drivers are ill-bred.
But once we hit foreign roads, our terrible road manners stand a chance of rehabilitation. Maybe we drive more mindfully because we are too cheap to buy extra insurance on the rental car. Or it could be the endorphins that flood our brains as soon as we imagine a rousing playlist of highway anthems soundtracking our road trips.
So we excitedly curate a long list of feel-good tunes for cruising these overseas highways, everything from Journey’s ‘Don’t Stop Believin’’ to The Proclaimers’ ‘I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)’ and ‘Happy’ by Pharrell Williams. Basically, a playlist that harks back to our wild and (kid-)free days. We might even go so far as to imagine a musical paradise where our kids will gleefully sing along to all our favourite songs.
Back to earth: The reality is that your four-hour drive will be sonically accompanied by (in this order):
- ‘Golden’ from Kpop Demon Hunters
- ‘For Good’ from the Wicked musical
- ‘Golden’ from Kpop Demon Hunters
- ‘For Good’ from the Wicked musical
- (Go back to #1)
It’s enough to make you drive like a Singaporean again and wish you’d taken up the additional insurance coverage.
#5 Snow is fun for all ages
Snow, in theory, is magical. Snow, in practice, is cardio.
First, there’s the Byzantine process of layering: thermal wear, shirt, fleece, jacket, hat, gloves, scarf, waterproof pants, waterproof boots — and that’s just for one child. By the time everyone is bundled up, you’re completely knackered and need a nap in the cosily heated cabin. Without fail, this is also the time one of your kids will declare an urgent need to urinate.
When you do eventually step outside, the children sprint off like hyperactive penguins to make snow angels and misshapen Olafs. You, however, lumber into the snow behind them like an unwieldy tin man navigating the treacherous snowscape. Your creaky knees threaten to buckle under the weight of too many buffet breakfasts and not enough laps in the infinity pool.
Without fail, this is also the time when all of your kids will declare a snowball fight where you are designated the horrible clumsy monster that needs to be pelted and felled.
Again, as a master equivocator, I would not recommend fighting back. In fact, this would be a good time to fall down gently and play dead. You might be able to get that nap in after all.
I Am Jenny's Father 
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